Overkill

I don't think I'll ask the obvious question this time. We all know that a relationship begins, we all know that it happens in different ways between different sets of people. But how does it continue?

Especially in the beginning.

So far I feel as though I'm doing a good job of keeping my emotions in check. Apart from one little spaz out that was completely unrelated to the relationship, and which I couldn't do much to hide from the other person, but which I definitely wasn't ready to share..Other than THAT, I'm doing well.

Though the one thing I keep noticing is that the more time passes between us, the more it feels as though things SHOULD progress..And the more I begin to cringe! I find myself knowing that there is no way I can control the other person's actions..But I find myself worrying about what happens if they say this or do this or if we argue about something big or if we argue about something small. I wonder what my face is expressing. And I worry what that glance could have meant, or if it means something more intense than the last one? And it scares the shit out of me.

Part of me feels like this relationship shouldn't have me in it.

Now don't misinterpret my words, I don't just mean THIS particular relationship. I just feel like relationships aren't my thing. But I notice a lot of people saying it. And I begin to wonder how all of us young folk have this stigma attached to the concept of an intimate relationship.. We all say that we don't do relationship stuff well, or that we don't do dating, or that we don't get close to the person until after the third date, or that we don't want any sort of physical contact (maybe cuddling is ok?)..

So I don't feel like my feelings are unique. I'm just following some sort of trend. I'm another statistic. One day (and hopefully not but who can say) I'm probably a divorce statistic. Or a single mother statistic. Or a domestic abuse statistic. Things aren't special. No matter how we will them, or how much we plan for the next 'date', there isn't a lot we can do to reach a desired outcome.

Is this what being in a relationship is about? Being so concerned about your every move, like some IS  watching and WILL judge you if you do something they don't expect or don't know how to react to. And I write that last line because just as much as I question, I am probably also guilty of those things.

Author's Note: I wrote this *counts* twelve days into what I thought would be a long and quite prosperous relationship. He has now broken up with me, so I am not actually too phased about sharing this anymore. And now I'm just a heartbroken statistic! The world has enough of those.

Anyway, I know I'm feeling pretty jaded towards the whole thing and I don't care to analyse myself at the moment. But I am definitely not keen to date again. A large two year gap, a miniscule three month relationship..well it's just making me wonder what I can make my new PB in the 'no relationships' box. Oh and this is the third time I've been broken up with, because the person 'likes me' and thinks I'm 'amazing' but doesn't love me. Shit how hard is it to actually open your world up and care about the person or people you let in for longer than a fleeting moment!